19 August 2023
the ART OF SETTING BOUNDARIES FOR COUPLES
We are relational beings. As a consequence, the health of our relationships contributes significantly to our mental health. One crucial aspect of fostering healthy relationships as a couple is setting boundaries. Therefore, how/when/whether we set boundaries in our relationships has a positive or negative effect on our emotional well-being. It is also important to recognise that setting boundaries is more of an art than science. What this means is that we all have our unique individual needs and preferences and crafting our boundaries will be as individual as we are.
So, what are boundaries?
Setting boundaries is a form of self-care. According to the Cambridge Dictionary, boundaries are "real or imagined lines that limit something or separate one thing from another." In the context of relationships, boundaries are the invisible lines that define where one person ends and another begins. They define what we will or will not accept, what we are responsible for (i.e. our thoughts, actions) and what we are not (i.e. our partner’s actions). They are the guidelines that help us to protect our personal space and to get our needs met, while respecting the same in our partners. They are the fences of our emotional landscape.
Why are boundaries so important in our relationships?
Boundaries play an important role in maintaining a healthy and balanced relationship by ensuring the following:
They create the emotional and physical space we need in our relationships.
They help us to protect what is important to us (our values, needs etc.).
By setting boundaries, we indicate that our needs, emotions and well-being are important and worthy of respect.
When we express our boundaries and let others know what we will and will not accept, this fosters open communication, and prevents resentment, and consequently protects our relationships.
We all know what it's like to say yes to something when we actually mean no, only to find ourselves caught in commitments that don't align with who we truly are.
When we don’t set boundaries, our relationships become strained and unhealthy. Lack of boundaries may lead to feeling emotional and physical exhaustion. For example, if you are someone who struggles to say ‘no’ and ends up doing more than they are prepared to do, because you want to ‘help’, you are likely to feel exhausted.
Or, when you absorb others’ emotions as your own and attempt to process them on their behalf, it is like you've removed the invisible fences guarding your emotional landscape and allowing others to trample on it.
Similarly, in our relationship with our partners, if we are not clear on what our boundaries are (what we will/will not accept), we may find ourselves in a battleground of unresolved issues, accumulating feelings of resentment, day by day.
If we give too much of ourselves to our partners/others (i.e. too much attention, time, space, information, energy), we may also feel suffocated and lose our sense of personal identity. Not a fun place to be.
Challenges in Establishing Boundaries
While the benefits of boundaries are clear, the act of establishing them can be quite challenging for many. So what gets in the way?
Our early experiences of relationships shape the way we are in relationships and how/when/whether we set boundaries in our relationships. If we have not been modelled how to set healthy boundaries, we may struggle to know how to go about setting them.
Our struggle may also be linked to our unexamined beliefs about boundaries such as ‘setting boundaries is mean or selfish or damaging to my relationship’. We might fear that asserting our needs could lead to conflict or even rejection.
We might mistake not having boundaries as being close (i.e. not giving space for individualization)
We might have an unconscious belief that our sense of goodness is dependent on prioritising others. If we learnt to be a ‘good girl’ or ‘good boy’ when we were growing up, looking after our parents’ emotions, and discounting our needs, we may struggle to give up ‘being good’ as it may feel too threatening.
If we hold these beliefs consciously or unconsciously, it is important that we recognise them and reflect on the origins of our beliefs and gently challenge them. This can be done through journaling, but it is likely to be more effective if we explore these underlying beliefs with a trusted other such as a therapist. We can reframe these thoughts in the following ways:
‘My needs and preferences matter as much as my partner’s’
‘Boundaries do not mean I am being selfish or mean’
‘I can validate my partner’s feelings around my boundaries, but it is not my responsibility to manage my partner’s reaction to my boundaries’
‘It is OK for my partner to express emotions in response to my boundaries. It is their responsibility to manage their own emotions.’
‘By setting boundaries, I am protecting (or investing in) my relationship.’
What does boundary-setting look like in a couple’s relationship?
Boundaries extend to multiple areas within a relationship and can take various forms. Our emotional boundaries are about knowing whether our partners are feeling ‘positive’ or ‘negative’, their emotions are theirs. We can offer support and they can ask for support. However, their emotional climate, whether it is sunny or rainy is not ours to fix.
Likewise, our emotional climate is ours to decipher, so that we express our needs and set boundaries . Here are some examples:
If having time on your own is important for you and your partner plans/expects that you spend all weekends together, a boundary may look like expressing your need for personal space and solo time in a calm and compassionate manner. You might say something like, ‘I really value our time together, and I also need some alone time to recharge and engage in activities I enjoy. I would like us to find a balance where we can spend quality time together on some weekends and allow me some space on others’ (Notice that your boundary is about what you need and your own self-care).
If you and your partner are trying to resolve a conflict and you are noticing that you are feeling belittled. You might express your boundary as ‘I can hear you are really upset about this, but when you get mean, I feel disrespected. I need you to speak with me respectfully. If we can’t speak to each other respectfully, I will end this conversation’.(Notice that your boundary is about what you are prepared to accept and what you will do if you are not respected)
If you are over-functioning in your relationship and feeling overwhelmed by your to-do list, your boundary may look like ‘I would like us to establish a clear division of household chores to avoid any misunderstandings or resentment. How can we work together to find a solution that works?’ (Notice that you are looking after yourself and your relationship at the same time).
When we set boundaries, we also need to manage our own expectations and think about what we are prepared to do if our boundaries are not respected. It is also worth considering which ones are open to negotiation and which ones are absolutely non-negotiable for us.
Our partners may not respond to our boundaries in the way we would like them to and this is okay. Their response is not a signal for us to give up on our boundaries or that it indicates that our boundaries are wrong. For example, if your partner feels disappointed about a boundary you are setting, this is more likely to mean that your partner needs more time to adjust to your boundary and the change in your relationship, rather than your boundary requiring a change.
Conclusion
Boundaries are an essential part of our relationships and they can sometimes be tricky to navigate. In the words of Brené Brown, “Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others.” Setting and respecting boundaries is foremost about valuing ourselves and our partners. I am concluding with an invitation to you to reflect on and discuss with your partner the following questions:
What are the areas in our relationship where clearer boundaries are needed? What beliefs do we hold about boundaries that may be hindering our relationship? Do we approach boundary-setting as an act of love or fear of disappointing each other? Do our boundaries align with our individual and shared goals and aspirations?
If you would like to delve into these inquiries with the guidance of a professional, couples therapy offers an ideal setting for such explorations.